Selections from the archive...
CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD - Gordon Zwicky has won the Burlington Liars Club contest,
beating almost three hundred other contestants. Zwicky's tale went as thus: he and his wife won the lottery and decided to
take a drive down to Florida. Not too far from home, they saw a road sign that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead". Two months later,
they finally got to Florida, but they were so tired from cleaning all the restrooms on the way that they immediately left
JEWEL OF THE (SE)NILE - Hot on the heels of her last release, Jewel
has announced plans to record her sixth album, entitled "Midlife Crisis".
ELECTRONIC PAPER - Top scientists at Phillips Research Laboratories
in the Netherlands have created a new type of "electronic paper" that they claim will be capable of showing full length movies
in newspapers and books. Be sure to be here for the next issue of Incredulous when we premiere this wonderful new
technology with a screening of "Gone With The Wind" in beautiful technicolour!
LETTERMAN ATTACKED BY BEAR - Whilst staying at his cabin in Montana,
television personality David Letterman awoke to the sound of a bear rumaging around in his kitchen. He quickly contacted a
local high school kid who brought over some M-80's to scare the bear away. While we're all glad that no one was hurt, it did
make for some good comedy bits on "The Late Show".
NEWS FROM NORTH OF THE BORDER - What's going on in the Great White
North? A Vancouver woman has sued Coca-Cola, after the cap on her bottle shot off and hit her in the eye; Manitoba is attempting
to ban smoking completely; and the Edmonton Sober Club has applied for a liquor license.
ENTER SANDMAN - Aging rockers Metallica are once
again in court, this time suing a Canadian band for using the E chord followed by the F chord too many times. Seriously, guys,
I think you're running out of things to sue people for...
FORMERLY KNOWN AS - Karin Robertson of Norfolk, Virginia, has legally
changed her name to Goveg.com. She nixed her original idea of changing it to a bar code because she thought it would be too
hard to sign her name.
MEANWHILE, IN HONG KONG - A man wearing a gorilla suit swiped a bunch of bananas
from a downtown shop. Tse Lai, the eighty year old owner of the shop took off after the man, brandishing a broom. Authorities
say that the man in the gorilla suit was part of a hidden camera television program. Tse was treated for shock and soon discharged.
The ape man is said to be still on the loose.
DEPUTY HOWDY DOODY - San Francisco voters have allowed Officer
Robert Geary to patrol with a wooden ventriloquist dummy as his partner. Geary spent about $11,500 of his own money to get
the measure on the ballot, after his superiors ordered him to keep the dummy in his locker because they thought it made the
department look silly.
MEANWHILE, AT THE CAR WASH - A New York man drove his vehicle
into a West Seneca car wash hoping to drench a small fire in his engine. By the time he realized he didn't have enough change,
the fire had spread and ended up burning down most of the car wash.
WE BEE STEALIN' - A shoplifter at a K-Mart in Sedalia, Missouri
ran off with $60 worth of CD's, perfume, batteries, and scissors by releasing a swarm of honeybees in the restroom to create
a diversion. He is believed to be still at large.
BEST OF THE BEATLES - Former Beatles drummer Pete Best has
a new coffee table book out entitled "Beatles: The True Beginnings". Next month: original Spice Girl Fatty Spice,
who was ousted from the group before they became famous, will publish her autobiography, "Spice Like Me".
I CAN'T BELIVE THERE'S NO LAWSUIT - A new study by a Seattle
based research group has proven that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is, in fact, butter.
CANUCK ASPRINS - Napanee native and teen sensation Avril Lavigne
has signed on to be the new spokesperson for Advil. "We almost have the same name, eh." said Lavigne. "And I've caused more
than my share of headaches, so it was really a no brainer."
LUCKY BREAK? - After winning $25,000 on a horse race, Jim Gauer
of Bisbee, North Dakota, hid the money from his wife by hiding it in the oven. According to local fire fighters, the money
caught fire because of the pilot light, and ended up burning the house down. Luckily, nobody was hurt, but there was a lot
of explaining to be done to Mrs. Gauer.
ROBBERS SERVE COFFEE - When the money in the register proved
to be an inadequate amount, three men who held up the Starbucks in Monroe, Washington decided to stick around and serve coffee
to make some extra cash. They brewed the coffee, took drive-thru orders, and served the coffee for a half hour before escaping
with the loot. According to local police, they are still at large.
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