Greetings intrepid reader! It is I, Ontario Jones! Canada's most famous adventurer! About six months ago, I was approached
by the staff of Incredulous, who asked me to travel the world, seek out lost treasures, investigate exotic civilizations,
and report about them for the magazine. It sounded wonderful! It sounded amazing! However, at that time I was in the middle
of a John Candy marathon, so I graciously declined. Then, three months later, I was approached by Incredulous once
more and given the same offer, but I had a video due back to the store that weekend and late fees being as high as they are,
I had to turn the offer down again. Finally, only two weeks ago, Incredulous' Editor-In-Chief, Matt Rasch, offered
to buy me a beer, and although the beer tasted suspiciously like old apple juice and Mr. Rasch insisted on keeping the bottle
for deposit, I graciously accepted the duties of travelling around the world and blowing things up in the name of eye-grabbing
journalism!
The Team
My first task was to assemble a crack team of fellow adventurers who would loyally travel with me to bizarre and dangerous
places while offering a variety of essential skills.
Dr. Wolfgang von Glühlampe
I was fortunate enough to acquire the Universität von Stierscheiße's top scholar on loan for my team. A dedicated scholar,
Dr. Glühlampe has his ph.d. in every possible subject offered at the university. Of course... by the time he completed this
monumental feat he was 113 years old and so far in debt that he is now the university's indentured servant for an indefinite
amount of time.
Lorelei Longlegs
My girlfriend has been pestering me for the past six years to finally get married, so I needed to distract her. In order
to do this, I made her the photographer of my team.
Moog
I found Moog roaming the wild, untamed regions known as the Streets of East Jordan. Moog is valuable due to his incredible
sense of direction, survival skills, and the ability to speak any language fluently. Unfortunately, the only language that
Moog doesn't speak with perfect clarity is English, so it can be a real pain trying to figure out what he is trying to tell
me.
Well, that's it for now. Until next time, keep on adventurerering!
